Pull – ups – My Phantom Menace

I have a new nemesis – Pull Ups. I can’t friggen do them.  I can barely do ring rows instead.  I need to get my upper body strength better.  I have so much weight to ” pull up”  So – we have a new goal.

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My modification for the pull ups is ring rows.  Ring rows for those who are unaware, is when you have your hands in rings, then lean back and move your feet in , then pull your self up .  See the pic below.

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This particular exercise is terrifying for me as the reigning Mayor of Fatty McButterpants City.   I have to hold myself up on these little nylon straps and pray they hold as I struggle to pull my self up.  I feel as if the whole rig is gonna topple over on me.  I know it won’t , I think it is bolted to the floor, but when you are using your own weight and you have a lot of it, any thing is possible, especially things snapping and breaking.  You know what I mean, that wobbly chair, you look at it and it crumbles to pieces.  You sit your ass in the car and the whole side goes wayyyyyy down.  Forget about sitting in those little kid chairs at Parent Teacher Conferences, HA! Its easy when you have a big butt to break things with it.

The sad thing is, as someone who is larger, this is what I think about.  I can’t wait until I don;t have to think about it. I am well on my way.

If  I looked at this like I was defeated, Sweet Baby Jesus, where would that leave me?  I WILL do it, maybe not soon, but I will.

 

SO yeah, Star Wars reference, the fam loves Star Wars, especially my oldest.    I thought it was a good way to tie them in 🙂

 

Gotta keep up the swim folks!!! We will get there!

 

Meg 🙂

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The Incredible Shrinking Bosoms

This blog may have TMI for you, but Its a triumph and I gotta share!

 

If you know me, you know I have a rather large bosom.  unfortunately, they are in proportion with the rest of me.  If I was skinny, They would be fabulous!

 

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That being said, I have noticed lately that my bras are fitting better. I no longer have the ” Up top Muffin top”  My breasts fit nicely in my bra. No more peeking out from the top and me needing to squish them back in.

Its all about baby steps 🙂

 

Gotta keep on swimming!

Meg 🙂

One small lunge …..

One small lunge for Meg, One giant goal accomplished!

When  I started working out, my form was horrible as you would expect. Couldn’t lunge,  couldn’t squat, Christ, could barely stand straight.

I just kept on swimming, every class, keep trying. My amazing coaches Holly and Jane, kept me working at it, to get my range of motion down.

Then – lo and behold – I WAS LUNGING!!!!

Like I have said all along, I just gotta keep swimming along and doing my thing.  Everything else will fall into place.

 

So is it a giant deal?  To me it is.  And I am a happy gal.

 

Keep on moving! Keep on swimming and we will get there!

 

Meg 🙂

Miss Mary Sunshine aka Morbid Megan

This blog is about me and my journey, so I thought I’d share some of me with you.

That being said, for those that know me, I am an outgoing goofy kinda gal.  Always cracking a joke about my weight.  Most of you don’t know that I have suffered from depression since I was a teenager.  I am not talking teen angst depression, I am talking attempted suicide depression. Yes, I tried to kill myself when I was 14.  It was a stupid thing to do, I am forever ashamed.  I am thankful I was unsuccessful.  I am forever sorry for what the experience did to my family, especially my parents.  I remember being terrified in the hospital as they pumped my stomach.  It didn’t help that they put another person in my room who had to be restrained and was freaking out.  The doctor told me had I had waited to go to the hospital, I would of died.  Now, is that true? Probably not, but it sure as hell scared the shit out of me.

Pile in the depression with my self esteem and I am a therapists dream.  I had a therapist, he was great, and my prize for being fucked up was a stop for truffles at Sanborns Candies on the way home from the session.   You ever notice that all therapists have the same way of talking? That drove me insane, not mine, thank God.  That being said, I probably should go back.

Born from my depression was one of my greatest passions, writing poetry.  Hence the name Morbid Megan.  My friend Amanda’s mom named me that 🙂  I love to write, though I find I come up with my best stuff when I am having a bad day.  For the life of me, I can’t write anything happy or cheery.  And honestly if I am not riddled with depression, I can’t get anything out.   I love the release that writing gives.  Most of what I write is about me, sometimes about things I know of, and sometimes shit I randomly think of.   When I was in the 8th grade I wrote a poem about a kid who goes beserk killing his family just leaving his little sister.  Yes, I know its fucked up, but I won the Write Away Contest ( after I submitted a letter that I was not crazy or suicidal).  For me, to know that people appreciated my work was an amazing feeling.  Its fascinating when something that is organicly you is received well.

So, I continue to write, just for me, to get it all out.  Here are a couple if you are interested :

4/24/12

She feels the darkness roll in like a fog on the water when the day breaks
An inexplicable feeling
But not worth the deaf ears the words should fall on
Like sand blowing from her lips as the words are said
So she shall stew in quite solitude
Screaming on the inside, the darkness trying to crawl through
Clawing and tearing
As if dear life could be sustained here, more like her own purgatory
There are no reasons , no thoughts, no concerns, no feelings
It just is
A living breathing entitiy that she shall never be able to shake
Demons that wither away at her very being
True undeniable happiness seems so lost
And maybe its not this deep dark depression that takes her over
Maybe she is just lost
Searching for something she will never find and can never have
She screams in the middle of the night
She screams at the top of her lungs
She screams in silence in her dreams
She screams like she did when she first begun
Searching and questing for something
A purpose
A meaning
A place in this world
To make a difference in someone’s life
To witness something amazing
To BE someone Amazing
Maybe she is experiencing a mid life crisis
Maybe she’s not
Maybe she’s being dramatic
Maybe she’s not

6/30/11
Crackling as I walk
I feel the pieces crush beneath my feet
Aimlessly wandering
A lonesome soul on a desperate search
To find the things she left behind, things she lost track of
Mainly herself and her abandoned dreams
This perception they hold is so wrong, but its the only thing she’s given, so what do you expect them to think?
She is just a silly girl with silly dreams
Wishes and wants that never pan out
There have been blessings along this road she wanders
Wonderful wonderful blessings
This dark veil shields her eyes to the beauty and keeps her drenched  in the dark
She can open her eyes, she can open her heart
She can put out an APB, she can put a face on a milk carton
But she has yet to find herself after all these years
And what happens when she loathes the “ found” self just as much as the lost one?
Feeling like such a failure
Such a horrible horrible failure
A feeling no matter how great the success, she cannot shake

So there you have it – some depressing poetry courtesy of me. Hope you enjoyed.

Back to the point – I am journeying to find myself.  I was only 17 when I was told of my impending motherhood and only 18 when I had to become an adult in more ways than 1 .  The more I think of it, how could I have myself figured out?  I know that I am a wife and a mother to 3 amazing kids.  But I don’t know WHO I am.   My identity was a mom and it was not about me before it ever was, does that make sense?  Don’t get me wrong – MOM is my greatest and proudest accomplishment .

I KNOW I am fat.

I KNOW I was skinny.

I KNOW I am committed to losing weight and getting fit.

I KNOW I have found the right program for me.

I KNOW I need to eat better.

I KNOW this current state is not what I AM and is not me.

 

I KNOW I WILL KEEP SWIMMING AND BUSTING MY BUTT TO GET WHERE I NEED TO!

Its my time!!! and its about time!

 

Keep up the swim and we will get there folks 🙂

 

Meg

 

Turkish Getups – She-Ra Style!

Tonights workout had Turkish Getups in it.  If you are familiar with Cross Fit -then you may know what they are. If not – here is a picture:

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So why do you care? Welp, when I started my classes we did them one night and I could not get my fat ass off the ground and bring my leg down underneath me ( figures 7 and 8) . And of course I could not do it with weights. But tonight ! TONIGHT I COULD DO IT!!!!  Up and down – down and up – I did it! Still with no weights – but it is way better than I did before.  So my coach Jane tonight gave me a plastic dowl to use to hold up instead of the weight so I could focus on the movement .

 

I felt like She-Ra holding up her sword.

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So yeah picture me like this ^^^^ except fatter, brunette and I am no princess, lol.

It was such a great feeling knowing I am busting my butt and getting better at stuff.

 

You gotta keep swimming folks! How else are you gonna hold up your sword?

Meg   🙂

But Mom….I don’t wanna eat my veggies!!!!

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So yes, I admit it, I HATE vegetables.  I really don’t like fruit either. Salad? Ugh, I hate the texture of lettuce, like seriously.  Am I childish? Of course? Is this immature? You betcha! But I don;t like them and I never did. My kids like fruits and veggies, I can do with out them.

But I am at the point – that I can’t be like this anymore. I have to make major changes and frankly, suck it up. Ugh.  I have a friend that makes these amazing lunches for her kids that is all healthy good for you food – www.facebook.com/thefunlunch        Check out the page – it is cool beans.  But to my point, her kids eat these great foods and no knock to my upbringing but maybe if we all made it fun and colorful when the kids are small, they will enjoy them more.

I am never going to lose this weight unless I eat better.  I am working my butt off at my work outs, and I am seeing results.  I just need to make some changes to my diet.  Okay,okay, MAJOR changes to my diet.  Why do they have to make pasta and bread so yummy?  I wish they just tasted horrible, especially when they are dripping with creamy sauce with chicken and cheese, and ohh don;t forget the dipping oil for the rolls! Jesus! See what I mean?!?!

I ain’t gonna lie, The Olive Gardens breadsticks with their Alfredo dipping sauce is seriously some of the best shit I have ever eaten.  Loaded with sodium though, and last time I had it, made me sick.  Haven’t been back since.   I suppose that is a teeny tiny victory.  I just try to remember how crappy I felt afterwards, so not worth it.  And don;t even get me started on the Cheesecake Factory…. a whole restaurant dedicated to cheesecake?  Yum City!

Why do they have to make it so hard to eat good?

I am working on it though, baby steps.

Gotta keep swimming 🙂

Meg

 

 

Back in the Saddle

So, I basically took a week off last week due to my cousin’s passing.  Mentally, I couldn’t do anything, I was just kinda a  ball of mush, plus we had family things to take care of.  But, boy did I miss my classes.  Started back up on Saturday, and did a stretching class on Sunday. Felt good to be back to my normal routine.

Its nice to have a routine, but I really think my body needed to get back on track.  Imagine my fat ass, I threw it into this fitness regimen, then a week off, then back to it.  I bet my fat ass thought I was done – but I am not. No way baby!

Another personal victory – Saturday during the running portion of class, the first round, I kinda kept up with people! Holy shit!  They were probably just going kinda slower, but hey, I will take it! To not finish 20 minutes after everyone was such a great feeling.  Now, my second run, not so much, damn calves keep seizing up.  But with all the stretches and different techniques I have learned from my coaches, and hopefully with some weight loss, it will get better.  One step at a time!

Lets talk about goals  – we all got them , no matter how silly, how crazy, a goal means something to you, something we strive for.

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One of my goals is to not have to readjust my fat on the ride at Disney World when we go in May 2014.  Now if you have some junk in your trunk, you know what I am talking about.  If you are normal size, probably not so much.  Basically some rides, I exceeded the weight limit on ( which sucks). And other rides, that damn little bar came crashing down on my freaking stomach and felt so good as I was whipped around the rides.  It is uncomfortable.  It royally sucks, its embarrassing , and you don’t exactly want to announce it. So you go on skipping along, waiting in line for another 20 minutes to squeeze yourself under another ridiculous bar while some preteen comes by to check if ” You are in properly” Apparently they did not notice that I am going to need a 10 foot shoe horn to get my ass out of this thing.  Then there are the moments while you try to get out of the ride smoothly as to not embarrass yourself – cha!  You are hurrying, but you are fat, so when you hurry, you get out of breath  and you stumble off of the ride, looking and feeling like you just had a heart attack.

…..But then, oh look! No lines! Lets do it again!!!!

Its good to have goals folks, and I am confident I will reach this one!

Just keep swimming folks, and you will get there 🙂

Meg