Don’t Hold Me Down

We all have insecurities. We all have doubts about our lives or ourselves at some point . And if you are gonna say you don’t , I am calling bull shit .

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I have to be real here , I’m sick . I have a disease according to my doctor we just don’t know which one . Is it deadly ? I doubt it , I think it would of gotten me by now . Is it common ? Yeah , gonna day nope on that . Do we know what it is ? Another Nope city .  I am very thankful that what I am dealing with isn’t as bad as it could be .  In the grand scheme of things , I am lucky . For the most part , I can still function . It varies from flare to flare , at the moment I can still do mostly everything.

Right now however , I’m in the middle of this big flare . The pain is excruciating.  I’m beyond exhausted . And my fingers hurt , really really bad . I need that to subside .  To say I am hot, is an understatement.  It feels like Hell itself is residing on my skin.  It has gotten as bad as randomly breaking out in sweats through out the days.  For example, its 60 degrees out and I am sitting with the Air conditioner on full blast.

What I am finding more and more as this progresses , is that I am having a more difficult time doing things.  Or things I normally look forward to, bring me severe anxiety.  Things require more planning and even with more planning, I still not be able to what I intend to.

I NEED TO FEEL BETTER!!!!

I keep telling myself I need to work through the pain I am in.  I am the one holding myself down, albeit unintentionally.  Which royally sucks.  Like, what do you do when you are literally causing yourself pain.  Its awful.

So, what do I do ? Here’s the plan:

My doctor is working on getting me approved for a different medication.  Hopefully this will be a key starting the car that is driving myself back to normalcy.

Its time for my appointment with the ENT to get a sleep study done.  Pretty sure I will be told I have sleep apnea, which losing weight ill help. But we will see what she says tomorrow.

I am doing my best to be positive like my mom.  Yesterday she was gone 2 months, it still seems like she just left us.  I still don’t know how to be.  When does it get better?  I know the answer, but I just wish that wasn’t it.

I am hopeful things will get better.

I can’t let me get…me.

Before I sign off, I just need to send my heartfelt love to the victims of all the recent tragedies that are befalling this world.   We witnessed the largest mass shooting in American history this week.  When will senseless violence end?

In the words of the great Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted ” Theodore ” Logan :

BILL AND TED

I think if we all were more EXCELLENT to each other, we would find this world a much better place.

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