Don’t Stop Believing 

Hi Everyone, in usual fashion, I get going and get some wind in my sails to have my boat smashed upon the reef. This month so far has been the hardest I have ever had to deal with in my life.

My world was rocked to the core on August 2nd .

My sweet momma, who I know I have written about before, who has been struggling with illness for 30 years , passed away . She was only 61 and far too young to deal with all the shit she had to deal with .

My mum was my person .  She was always my cheerleader, always my support , always could make me laugh , to say she was incredible would be doing her a disservice.

My heart is in so much pain , I can’t even describe it.  We always knew we were on borrowed time with my mum.  I knew she would never live to be an old woman, but I just didn’t think it would be so soon, and it happened so quickly, I just wasn’t prepared.

But then again, is anyone ever prepared to let a loved one go?

I’m not. I have been struggling to put into words how I feel. And I still just don’t know. I want more than anything to be able to give my mom a hug. And I can never ever do that again. I want to talk to her on the phone like I used to do daily .  I still pick up the phone to call her , then breakdown realizing why she is not going to answer.

It is so hard .  I am thankful I was there with her at the end and we have such an amazing support system.

My mother dealt with more horrific medical bullshit than 1 person should ever have to endure.  But through it all, she attacked it with humor.  Seeing the brightness through the storms.  The night before she passed away, we were literally laughing and making jokes, all the while she was in ICU with an extremely low blood pressure and low heart rate.  I am so grateful that my last words with her were words of joy and laughter. I am grateful she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore.  30 years of being sick, can you even imagine?  Strength personified.

This is where I am just lost.  I am trying so hard to find the positives and to be like her.  See the light through the dark. Don’t stop believing, don’t give up hope. Have faith.

All that yada yada bullshit I am trying to convince myself of. That is what she would of wanted. I know my mothers strong belief in “laughter is the best medicine ” and                ” positive thoughts ” is what kept her here with us for so long .  I am just searching for my thoughts to believe in I guess.

My mother was a complete nut.  She would light up the room with her infectious humor . She would make you laugh so hard your sides would hurt and you were in tears.  I am thankful I have a treasure trove of memories to look back on with smiles.

This is how she would want to be remembered, her legacy should be love and laughter through darkness and despair. I’d like to think the send off we gave her was fitting .  My sister did an obituary that everyone coming up to me at the wake was saying they have not laughed so much while being sad.  That’s mum to a tee. We did a slide show with all her favorite songs playing, being the classic rock fanatic  she was, ending with none other than Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”.  For her funeral , I delivered the Eulogy.  How the frack I got through it without breaking down , I will never know. My cousins were placing bets that I would not make it, lol.

You ever watch those Hoarder shows? It seems that 98% of these folks start the hoard when tragedy hits, like losing their mothers.  I used to think to myself, “These folks are nuts, I would never live in a literal pile of feces and stop using the toilet all because my mom died.” Not saying I have changed my mind about that stance, I can understand how losing your mom can send you over the edge.

I know I am no different from the millions of other people in the world who lose their moms, their dads, their people.  And this is not the first, 2nd , 3rd , 4th or even 5th time I have dealt with death.  I just wish I hadn’t joined the ranks of folks without moms.

I need to honor my mother. I need to live the best life possible. I need to be crazy and nuts and follow every dream .  I just wish I knew where to begin.  I guess blogging is a start. I need to get back on track with my fitness too. She was so proud of me.  I don’t want to fail her. In life I feel I failed her so much with all the choices I made.  I know she didn’t see it that way, but I always felt like I did. And she would always give me a hug and say ” I love you , my Meggie”.  I would give anything to hear her say that again.

I know I will find my way, I know it will get easier. I just wish I could figure myself out.  It doesn’t help that my Meganitis/ Fibro crap has been flaring and I have been in excruciating pain this week.  I have an appointment on Friday so maybe we can get some sort of answers on something.

If I could leave you with anything about my mother that you should know and you could carry with you , it is Don’t Stop Believing .  Believe in hope, believe in love, believe there is always a way, believe that everything happens for a reason, though we always don’t know what the reason is. And believe that it is ok.

 

Beautiful Momma

 

Don’t Stop Believing

Don’t Stop Being Silly

Cherish Your Loved Ones

Never Stop Swimming

ALWAYS HAVE HOPE

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Baby Steps

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Good Evening Everyone !

It is with extreme happiness that I can tell you I finally did it = got my tookus back to the gym!

I got my new medication after my rhumetologist  stepped in  .  It arrived on Friday  and I started the injections that night.

I am still nauseaous, but it is not as much as it was before. I am hopeful that after a few weeks, it will decrease significantly .  The best part is that my doctor okay me getting back to the gym as long as I ” listen to my body “. So, I contacted my coach Jane at       Crossroads Strength and Conditioning to see if it would be okay if I came back with my issues.   And she said of course! Definitly knew that I was going to basically do everything modified but I had to get moving.  ANYTHING is better than nothing, right?!

So, started new meds.

Ready to go back to the gym.

And oh yeah, decided to jump on the Gluten Free train.  Let me explain : I had read multiple articles regarding Gluten and inflammation , so I figure, what the heck, I’ll give it a shot. So far I am on day 3.  Honestly, this is 2 days better than I thought I was going to do.  I’m not sure how long that I can keep it going, but if it helps, I am going to give it a whirl.

I got back into the gym and the warm up itself was already killing me , lol.  Onto the workout : here is my severly modified version .  No laughing out loud, 🙂

4 rounds

30 wall throws ( like the baby sister of the wall ball ) just tossed the ball at the wall

20 Step ups on the little box

10 DB snatches!!!! 15l bs —–> I LOVE SNATCHES! AND I COULD DO THESE NOT MODIFIED!!!

5 Push ups – these I did standing up leaning into the bar on the rack.  Truth be told, I totally could feel this in my arms and chest way more than any pushups I had done before.

I completed all 4 rounds – total victory ! And under 20 minutes!

This was complete baby steps.  And this will be for quite some time, I am sure.  This time around , I need to do the baby steps.  I used to get really frustrated when I thought of how far I had come or how much I could lift or do, but this time, I can’t be like that .  It’s wasted energy.  I am just going to roll with it and see how it goes.

Its been a productive week so far.  Hoping to get back in the gym tomorrow. Starting slow with 2 times a week.

Gotta Keep Swimming !!!!

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Leaving her behind

This past week has had some major achievements for me.

First, there was the running on Saturday – able to run 3 times without stopping each time – fucking HUGE for me!

Then, last night – again, able to run 2 times with out stopping – double HUGE

I was also chosen as Athlete of the Week at my gym .  TRIPLE HUGE!

Just to be nominated is such an honor, lol”  But seriously , besides my family – this is one of my most proudest achievements.  It really floored me to be chosen and what really shocked me, was all the great things people were saying about me.   Me.  Crazy, goofy, loud mouthed, fat assed, Me.  I am completely not used to any of that.  I was almost like ” Where’s Ashton Kutcher? Am I being punked? ”

In the past, I have not generally known for being a positive person, let alone inspiring. I used to be called Morbid Megan. And to see that people see me in a positive light,  I am at a loss.  I am thrilled that I have been told that I am inspiring people to better themselves. I feel good and I know I am laying the foundation to be around for my kids for along time.

I am having a hard time seeing myself in a positive light.  But I am growing, evolving, and this is a journey.  It is not just about the weight loss, the pounds, the inches – it is about ME.  Who I am now and who I will be. We all have our shit to deal with – but even with us being knee deep in the shit – I still feel better than I can ever remember.  That is huge!

I am leaving Morbid Megan behind.  She has done me no good.

This is about making changes, and this my friends – is a freaking big one.  And it is long overdue.  Time to embrace the positive.  Time to embrace the new MEG!

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