Hi Everyone, in usual fashion, I get going and get some wind in my sails to have my boat smashed upon the reef. This month so far has been the hardest I have ever had to deal with in my life.
My world was rocked to the core on August 2nd .
My sweet momma, who I know I have written about before, who has been struggling with illness for 30 years , passed away . She was only 61 and far too young to deal with all the shit she had to deal with .
My mum was my person . She was always my cheerleader, always my support , always could make me laugh , to say she was incredible would be doing her a disservice.
My heart is in so much pain , I can’t even describe it. We always knew we were on borrowed time with my mum. I knew she would never live to be an old woman, but I just didn’t think it would be so soon, and it happened so quickly, I just wasn’t prepared.
But then again, is anyone ever prepared to let a loved one go?
I’m not. I have been struggling to put into words how I feel. And I still just don’t know. I want more than anything to be able to give my mom a hug. And I can never ever do that again. I want to talk to her on the phone like I used to do daily . I still pick up the phone to call her , then breakdown realizing why she is not going to answer.
It is so hard . I am thankful I was there with her at the end and we have such an amazing support system.
My mother dealt with more horrific medical bullshit than 1 person should ever have to endure. But through it all, she attacked it with humor. Seeing the brightness through the storms. The night before she passed away, we were literally laughing and making jokes, all the while she was in ICU with an extremely low blood pressure and low heart rate. I am so grateful that my last words with her were words of joy and laughter. I am grateful she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore. 30 years of being sick, can you even imagine? Strength personified.
This is where I am just lost. I am trying so hard to find the positives and to be like her. See the light through the dark. Don’t stop believing, don’t give up hope. Have faith.
All that yada yada bullshit I am trying to convince myself of. That is what she would of wanted. I know my mothers strong belief in “laughter is the best medicine ” and ” positive thoughts ” is what kept her here with us for so long . I am just searching for my thoughts to believe in I guess.
My mother was a complete nut. She would light up the room with her infectious humor . She would make you laugh so hard your sides would hurt and you were in tears. I am thankful I have a treasure trove of memories to look back on with smiles.
This is how she would want to be remembered, her legacy should be love and laughter through darkness and despair. I’d like to think the send off we gave her was fitting . My sister did an obituary that everyone coming up to me at the wake was saying they have not laughed so much while being sad. That’s mum to a tee. We did a slide show with all her favorite songs playing, being the classic rock fanatic she was, ending with none other than Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”. For her funeral , I delivered the Eulogy. How the frack I got through it without breaking down , I will never know. My cousins were placing bets that I would not make it, lol.
You ever watch those Hoarder shows? It seems that 98% of these folks start the hoard when tragedy hits, like losing their mothers. I used to think to myself, “These folks are nuts, I would never live in a literal pile of feces and stop using the toilet all because my mom died.” Not saying I have changed my mind about that stance, I can understand how losing your mom can send you over the edge.
I know I am no different from the millions of other people in the world who lose their moms, their dads, their people. And this is not the first, 2nd , 3rd , 4th or even 5th time I have dealt with death. I just wish I hadn’t joined the ranks of folks without moms.
I need to honor my mother. I need to live the best life possible. I need to be crazy and nuts and follow every dream . I just wish I knew where to begin. I guess blogging is a start. I need to get back on track with my fitness too. She was so proud of me. I don’t want to fail her. In life I feel I failed her so much with all the choices I made. I know she didn’t see it that way, but I always felt like I did. And she would always give me a hug and say ” I love you , my Meggie”. I would give anything to hear her say that again.
I know I will find my way, I know it will get easier. I just wish I could figure myself out. It doesn’t help that my Meganitis/ Fibro crap has been flaring and I have been in excruciating pain this week. I have an appointment on Friday so maybe we can get some sort of answers on something.
If I could leave you with anything about my mother that you should know and you could carry with you , it is Don’t Stop Believing . Believe in hope, believe in love, believe there is always a way, believe that everything happens for a reason, though we always don’t know what the reason is. And believe that it is ok.
Don’t Stop Believing
Don’t Stop Being Silly
Cherish Your Loved Ones
Never Stop Swimming
ALWAYS HAVE HOPE