Don’t Stop Believing 

Hi Everyone, in usual fashion, I get going and get some wind in my sails to have my boat smashed upon the reef. This month so far has been the hardest I have ever had to deal with in my life.

My world was rocked to the core on August 2nd .

My sweet momma, who I know I have written about before, who has been struggling with illness for 30 years , passed away . She was only 61 and far too young to deal with all the shit she had to deal with .

My mum was my person .  She was always my cheerleader, always my support , always could make me laugh , to say she was incredible would be doing her a disservice.

My heart is in so much pain , I can’t even describe it.  We always knew we were on borrowed time with my mum.  I knew she would never live to be an old woman, but I just didn’t think it would be so soon, and it happened so quickly, I just wasn’t prepared.

But then again, is anyone ever prepared to let a loved one go?

I’m not. I have been struggling to put into words how I feel. And I still just don’t know. I want more than anything to be able to give my mom a hug. And I can never ever do that again. I want to talk to her on the phone like I used to do daily .  I still pick up the phone to call her , then breakdown realizing why she is not going to answer.

It is so hard .  I am thankful I was there with her at the end and we have such an amazing support system.

My mother dealt with more horrific medical bullshit than 1 person should ever have to endure.  But through it all, she attacked it with humor.  Seeing the brightness through the storms.  The night before she passed away, we were literally laughing and making jokes, all the while she was in ICU with an extremely low blood pressure and low heart rate.  I am so grateful that my last words with her were words of joy and laughter. I am grateful she doesn’t have to deal with this anymore.  30 years of being sick, can you even imagine?  Strength personified.

This is where I am just lost.  I am trying so hard to find the positives and to be like her.  See the light through the dark. Don’t stop believing, don’t give up hope. Have faith.

All that yada yada bullshit I am trying to convince myself of. That is what she would of wanted. I know my mothers strong belief in “laughter is the best medicine ” and                ” positive thoughts ” is what kept her here with us for so long .  I am just searching for my thoughts to believe in I guess.

My mother was a complete nut.  She would light up the room with her infectious humor . She would make you laugh so hard your sides would hurt and you were in tears.  I am thankful I have a treasure trove of memories to look back on with smiles.

This is how she would want to be remembered, her legacy should be love and laughter through darkness and despair. I’d like to think the send off we gave her was fitting .  My sister did an obituary that everyone coming up to me at the wake was saying they have not laughed so much while being sad.  That’s mum to a tee. We did a slide show with all her favorite songs playing, being the classic rock fanatic  she was, ending with none other than Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven”.  For her funeral , I delivered the Eulogy.  How the frack I got through it without breaking down , I will never know. My cousins were placing bets that I would not make it, lol.

You ever watch those Hoarder shows? It seems that 98% of these folks start the hoard when tragedy hits, like losing their mothers.  I used to think to myself, “These folks are nuts, I would never live in a literal pile of feces and stop using the toilet all because my mom died.” Not saying I have changed my mind about that stance, I can understand how losing your mom can send you over the edge.

I know I am no different from the millions of other people in the world who lose their moms, their dads, their people.  And this is not the first, 2nd , 3rd , 4th or even 5th time I have dealt with death.  I just wish I hadn’t joined the ranks of folks without moms.

I need to honor my mother. I need to live the best life possible. I need to be crazy and nuts and follow every dream .  I just wish I knew where to begin.  I guess blogging is a start. I need to get back on track with my fitness too. She was so proud of me.  I don’t want to fail her. In life I feel I failed her so much with all the choices I made.  I know she didn’t see it that way, but I always felt like I did. And she would always give me a hug and say ” I love you , my Meggie”.  I would give anything to hear her say that again.

I know I will find my way, I know it will get easier. I just wish I could figure myself out.  It doesn’t help that my Meganitis/ Fibro crap has been flaring and I have been in excruciating pain this week.  I have an appointment on Friday so maybe we can get some sort of answers on something.

If I could leave you with anything about my mother that you should know and you could carry with you , it is Don’t Stop Believing .  Believe in hope, believe in love, believe there is always a way, believe that everything happens for a reason, though we always don’t know what the reason is. And believe that it is ok.

 

Beautiful Momma

 

Don’t Stop Believing

Don’t Stop Being Silly

Cherish Your Loved Ones

Never Stop Swimming

ALWAYS HAVE HOPE

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Weekend Wrap Up

I had a pretty good weekend !  How about you ? 

I was up really early on Saturday , 4:30 am , had to be to work for 6 am .  Then it was a 10 hr day . Usually after working on Saturday  I need to take a nap . I was pretty exhausted when I got home but it was almost 5 so I just kinda relaxed . 

We had dinner then I decided I wanted to try and go for a walk . There is a rail trail about 10 mins from my house , so the hubs and I headed there .  

Lo and behold , I walked and survived. I survived all 2.4 miles !!! 

2.4 miles !!!!

I was dying at the end of the walk but I am so glad I did it . 

Then today , my daughter and I headed to my sisters house . First off was some Pokémon Go , my daughter and nephew had a blast . We walked around for a while, had some lunch , then headed back to the house for swimming . 

It was definitely not as warm as I would have liked but , I wanted to get some water aerobics (or my version of them ) in .


I was in the pool for about 45 minutes , running , walking , did high knees , jumping jacks and some actual swimming .  

Man , was I tired after that , honestly, still am .  But – again , I did it ! 

Not only did I get in exercise this weekend , I am down 8 lbs since I got back in the wagon ! 

Cheers to a great week everyone! 

Another Day Down and I’m Still Standing 

Happy Friday Everyone!

I’m well into my reboot of my fitness journey . And honestly, I am doing way better than I anticipated! I’m still standing !

I have accepted that I need to take it slow and I am in a good place about it . I did the Piyo the other night and then tonight I did 10 mins of cardio , then 15 minutes of Piyo . I know it’s only 25 minutes but something is better than nothing .

It’s strange to say I’m in this place now . But I guess being sick and limited to things will open your perspective.

In addition to my feeble workout attempts this week , I stopped drinking soda . I’ve been drinking carbonated water , it’s fizzy and gives the soda feel . Good alternative I think .

All in all I feel I really good about things so far .

Gonna keep an open mind and keep on swimming 🙂

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Trying Something Different

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Hello Big World! I know , I know, its been months.  It’s not  you, its me, lol.  So, if I’m being honest, I have been a lump.  I am dealing with chronic illness ( fibro and still undiagnosed “Meganitis ” )  and all the joys ( NOT ) that go along with it and basically just trying to stay afloat in this crazy world.  Long story short, I am in pain everyday.  And fatigued. Good Lord, the exhaustion !  I wish I could find a way to combat it.

So, I have been wallowing in this pit of dispair and honestly , its been 2 years I have been down , if we are counting .   I have let it hold me back and control me and I need to break free . I have read several times that exercising , while it will hurt, in the long run , I will feel better. I think I owe it to myself to explore these options.

Nothing in life would make me happier than returning to Coach Jane and Crossroads .  Unfortunately that is not in the cards right now, but I am not writing it off down the road a ways.  I need something I can do when I have energy, which means working out at home.  I need need something low impact while my body adjusts .

So, I have decided to try something new to see if it helps me. I could be completly wrong and this could blow up in my face, but I am going to give it a go. I am currently on Gabapentin for my issues and let me tell you , I thought I was nuts when I had gained 40 lbs, but it turns out , lots of folks gain weight with Gabapentin. I need a way to combat it, cause honestly , I am less sore when I take my meds and really don’t want to change that up right now.

I joined some Fibro support groups to see if I could relate to some folks and get just some general info.  Its a real great forum .  Here and there folks would post about if they were working out and the thing that came up more and more was Yoga and Piyo . Piyo is a Beachbody program.  After a lot of research and speaking to people, I decided to give Piyo and the Beachbody programs a try. I am a bit nervous since even when I was working out, yoga was not something I was into, but I kinda need this is going to be my wheelhouse for a while.

I plan on diving in tomorrow .  I gotta get a yoga mat.  I will check in and let you all know what I think .

Hopefully, I can find the balance and shake this funk.

Thanks for coming on the swim folks!

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