I feel like Kurt is a good way to express myself. I am a huge Nirvana fan .
I feel like every day I am faking it.
Faking that I feel good.
Faking that I can handle this.
Faking that I am not brokenhearted.
I am trying to suck it up and deal with my daily pains. I have moments where all i want to do is go to bed. I have moments where I feel fine. I have moments where I want to remove my legs and hang them on the wall. There is nothing I can do. Changing meds hasn’t helped . There is no cure for the fibro and if it is RA ( or a variant of it ) , there is no cure for that either. Its just one of those things that people deal with I guess.
To be in pain on the outside hurts and sometimes it feels better. But to be hurting on the inside is a whole other ball game. I would take 1000 times the pain on the outside to alleviate this pain in my heart.
I have hurt before, for years I have been in a depression I guess in the clinical sense of the word. I Could not see the light. I feel like the light right now is hiding behind the shadows. I know this is not how my mother would want me to feel . I know she would say something crazy or something comforting or both. She had that way about her.
The reality is I miss my mother something fierce. I miss hearing her voice , I miss her hugs, I miss just knowing she is here. My mom was my person. My person I call when I am happy, when I am sad, when I have good news, when I have bad news , Mum was my person who could talk me off the ledge and make me feel better.
So, each year for the past 4-5 years I have been taking my son to the comicon in Rhode Island. Today they announced that Cary Elwes would be attending. My most favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride. So, of course, who do I call to fangirl too? I can hear her going ” oh how cool is that ?!” Not that my dad didn’t have pretty much the same reaction, but its not the same.
I am trying to figure out my way in this world and how to best honor my mother. I’m at a loss.
I need to get myself together, and get back on track. Just trying to figure myself out.
Gotta keep swimming