Pieces of Her

Good night world and all who inhabit it,

I am gearing up for my weight loss surgery. It will be taking place mid June. Some of you may know that there is a process to this weight loss surgery, the process isn’t bad.  It is interesting .  I have done my first 2 nutrition appointments and met with the surgeon.  Next week I have , nutrition, psychiatrist and endoscopy.  Since I started , I have been trying to make changes so that once I have the surgery its not so bad adjusting.

First up -no bubbles.  Not supposed to have carbonated beverages so I cut out soda.  I was drinking sparkling water to get the bubbles thinking it would help me, but  I had to cut it.  I have been drinking my 64 oz of water each day .

Protein – I am going to start getting some protein shakes since day 2- day 9 after surgery will be all shakes.

Anyways, I have been trying to get moving more and this week I have been really thinking about my Mum. Probably the impending Mother’s Day holiday.

I was driving along this weekend and I started squeezing my butt to the beat .  I can hear my Mum now, her proudly proclaiming how she would do her butt squeezes to the beat of what ever song was on… Maybe if I keep it up, I will have ” Buns of Steel” lol.

I was cooking dinner the other night dancing around the kitchen, and all I could do was think of  Mum.  Dancing around to One Direction, no less.  Ridiculous I know, but have you listened to them? So damn catchy! Current obsession is ” Steal my Girl” and “Perfect” .  I ain’t too proud to admit I am a grown ass woman dancing around to a boy band that’s not NKOTB or Backstreet Boys. ( for the record, saw NKOTBSB in concert at Fenway Park – UNBELIEVABLE Show!)

Its these little things that I feel Mum shines through.    I know I am probably searching for signs and finding them in places, but its comforting to an extent, like there are pieces of her here with us .

Like tonight, I was taking a ride to go see her, her headstone is in.  I needed to see it in person. So I am driving along and ” Beast of Burden”  by the Rolling Stones comes on .   I don’t remember downloading it, could of been the hubs or maybe the kids, but in any case, there it was blaring out.  My mother and I had this running joke – I was forever singing ” I’ll never be your BIG SUBURBAN ….” instead of Beast of Burden.  So there I was crying my eyes out on the way to my mothers grave singing at the top of my lungs

” I’LL NEVER BE YOUR BIG SUBURBAN !!!”

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I know she is always here with me, I just like when she reminds me in funny ways.

 

Back to my weight loss stuff – I am currently down 5 lbs! I am looking forward to the surgery . I know I have the best Guardian Angel on my side 🙂

 

Don’t Stop Believing !!!

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Long Days and Long Thoughts

Oh hello there world, I know its been a bit since my last post.  Honestly, I have thoughts and ideas every day that I want to share, but I don’t have the easiest time getting them out of my head.

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Here is my latest health update , for those keeping score, we are at a total of 10 doctors and yet I still do not have an actual diagnosis.  However, the current medication I am on, the Actemra injections 1x a week , seem to be actually working (knock on wood).  The Saxenda injections on the other hand, not working. All It seems to be doing is giving me bruises.  My left knee is still giving me problems, it sucks.  I have been waiting so long to feel good and its like , hang on a sec, we can’t possibly allow you to FULLY feel good. Ugh. Double ugh with cheese.  Mayor of Ugh City.

On a positive note, next Wednesday I start my journey with weight loss surgery.  To be honest, I feel like this is a last resort, but I also feel like a complete and utter failure.  I failed myself with bad decisions and bad choices. The sad part is, I really just realized this.  I wasted years of my life and I just hope its not too late to get my life back.  Then again, its been so long, I don’t even know what that would mean. I don’t even know what this life I long for is.

How terrible is that? Spending years wanting something and never making it materialize.  Story of my life.  When you break it down , I just want to be happy.  I have spent my entire life in search of happiness.  Pure happiness.  They did not call me Morbid Megan when I was a teenager for nothing .  Now I am Morbidly Obese Megan.

I want to be happy and content. Instead I am restless and depressed.  In the past three years, My life has become my illness.  Some days are not so bad, and some days are unbearable, and most days, I just deal with the pain.  Stairs though – motherfucking stairs are the devil.  My knee and stairs do not mix, never mind the fact that I am a Fatty McButterpants.

I hate the way I am . I hate the fact that my twisted sense of self brought me to this.  I hate the fact that my body is failing me and it needs help, medically and mentally.

Now I know my mother had so much more shit to deal with  and I cannot even come close to the turmoil that she had to endure on a daily basis, but I do know that I need to do everything in my power to be as healthy as I can so that I will be here past 61years old.   I truly do not know how she did it, but I am so grateful she did what she could to be with us as long as she was.

My story is far from over.  I need to live my best life possible ,  I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” to you all, but I am barely staying afloat myself.

Since my mothers passing, I have been searching for a way to honor her.  I have a clearer mindset as of late and I think Mum would just want me to keep being me, despite the obstacles and shit that gets tossed my way on the daily.

My mother took on every day with joy in her heart.  She faced every shot of medical bullshit dealt to her and made joke about it.  She found joy everywhere.

That’s what I need to do and Christ, it is harder than it seems.

I make jokes about my weight as a coping mechanism, but Mum, she made jokes about her situation for us I think more than her self.  And it helped, a lot.  She kept believing for us.  I used to think it was for her own sake, and maybe at the end it was, but it was a completely selfless act to help us cope I think.  From her “luxurious suite “at the Brigham and Womens hospital, to her crazy impressions, or just the excitement over a ham sandwich made by my dad instead of hospital food, she found the light through the dark.

That is my  mission. Find the light and be happy.  Doesn’t seem so hard, but will probably be the fight of my life.

Don’t stop believing and Just Keep Swimming Everyone!

I would love to read how you find the good within the bad and the light through the darkness, please share with us!

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Yes, I need to take a Nap

You read that right, I am a 37 year old mom of 3 who needs to take naps.  So damn what?!  As I am sure that anyone with chronic pain issues will understand the utter exhaustion that grips a hold of you every day .  While I am not experiencing the pain I have been as of late, the exhaustion never goes away.

I was recently outfitted with a CPAP machine.  I have “Severe Obstrusive Sleep Apnea”.  I went into it imagining myself like Darth Vader with my mask .

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Instead, I am more like Dark Helmet.  If you have seen Spaceballs, you know what I am talking about, and you have a wonderful sense of humor!  Anyways, my point being, my hope was that when I got the mask I would have all this energy and be full of life since I was sleeping better.  And yeah, no, not quite. Don’t get me wrong, it is definitely helping me.  My first follow up with the sleep doctor showed that I went from 66 times an hour not breathing to 1.2!  Pretty impressive… but still the exhaustion remains.

Just another symptom of Meganitis.

So yes, when I need to take a nap , I NEED to take a nap.

It is my hope that my exhaustion will get better.  But for now, I am a sleepy head.

I have to learn to listen to my body .

Easier said than done.

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Surprised on a Sunday

Today started like any other day. Woke up , sore as hell.  Exhausted even though I went to bed early.  Hubs got me a coffee, which was wonderful.

I had the thought that I wanted to go see Mum today . I haven’t been to see her in a while, which I feel terrible about. So I figured ,its warmer today than it has been, so today is the day to take a ride over to the cemetery.  I did some tidying up and asked Maddie if she wanted to go for a ride with me.

I called my dad to see if he would be around, figuring that I would stop by to see him after we stopped over to see Mum.  He told me he was on his way to Salisbury to look for some snowy owls.  You see, my parents have been birders my whole life.  When we were kids we would all reluctantly be packed into the car to go look for birds.  My parents , bribed us in their own way.  To keep us interested, different birds were worth different amounts of money.  Hawks got you $.25, Owls were $.50 and eagles, well eagles were $1.00!!  I got blessed with really good eyesight.  While,my parents and sisters have all had to wear glasses, my vision is still very good.  In fact, I acquired the nickname ” Eagle Eyes” when I was a kid.

Maddie loves animals, loves owls .  We keep talking about how Papa will take her to find some owls.  So,my dad suggested that we meet him to go see if we could see some owls or anything else we could see.  We are on our way and he calls me to say he has found a snowy owl.  Not sure if it will be there when we arrive, but we are going to try .  Maddie and I drive over to the Salisbury reservation and meet my dad.  We pull up and I can see his telescope all set up next to his car, facing the marsh.

He tells us where the owl is , its pretty far out, but he tells me where to look, and I can see the little white spot without the binoculars or telescope. I look with the binoculars and there he is, a snowy owl sitting on top of a wooden structure in the marsh.  I show Maddie where to look and it takes a little bit, but finally she sees her first Snowy Owl. The look on her face was so precious. It was exciting for me too, when I was a kid, I had only seen 1 snowy owl.

Its low tide and we decide to check out the seals.  The seals are always on these rocks in the mouth of the river right before it goes out to the ocean.  You can usually catch them lying around with their big fat bellies . Excited due to low tide and the fact we have not only binoculars , but the telescope, its going to be awesome to see all the seals.

The seals were my favorite part of the birding trips when I was a kid.  I wanted to be a marine biologist . I wanted to be the person swimming with the killer whales at SeaWorld.  I gave up that dream a long time ago, but I was horrified to learn of the gruesome conditions the whales were subjected to at SeaWorld. Check out the Blackfish documentary if you don’t know what I am referring to .  However, my boys have reminded me that I could still be a marine biologist , I could still go back to school.

We head over to see the seals, and what the hell -there are NO fricken seals!!!  Never had I gone in the winter to see the seals and there has been none. It was such a let down.  Honestly, it was very strange.

We then traveled over to the Parker River Refuge on Plum Island to see if we might be able to see some more birds.    One of the tell tale signs of something to see is when you see a bunch of cars and they are not in a parking lot.  Sometimes they are lined up on the side of the road or parked in a weird way.  We find one of these spots.  We pull up and ask a man with binoculars if there is something to see.  He says there are 2 snowy owls.  One on a post near us and one on an Osprey post further away.  The closer one was pretty easy to see .  Maddie was able to see it.

 

Maddie checking out the owl

Maddie checking out the owl

We then went to see the other owl we were told about and lo and behold, sitting atop of the Osprey post was the owl.  It was pretty cool.  We decide to drive to the end of the island and see if there is anything else.  My dad spys a little white spot in the marsh, I take a look and to me it looks a blob of snow.Dad takes a look and says yup its an owl, I can see it eyes. I couldn’t.  But when it started to fly that kinda sealed the deal that it was an owl, lol.

We saw a total of 4 Snowy Owls today.  It was really special for me and I know it was for Maddie.   After we left Salisbury we stopped at Dunkins before heading to Plum Island.  While waiting, my dad turned and said to me ” you said you wanted to see Mum today, and you did”  I hadn’t looked at it like that but he is totally right.  My whole life looking for birds, I have only ever seen 1 Snowy Owl, and today we see 4.  Call it what you want, but I think it was a sign from her. A really great surprise today .

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The Last First Thanksgiving

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We are on the cusp of the Holidays.

I am dreading this. How do I do the holidays without my mom? I know , I know, people lose people every second of every day, I am no different. I have lost before. It royally sucked when my sweet Gram passed in 2015.  And that year the Holidays were hard, but how do I do this?

For God’s sake, I can’t even write about how I am even going to begin to deal with this and I need to figure it out asap.  I just don’t know.

My daughter and I watch the Voice every week.  Our favorite is Janice Freeman, if you have watched it this season – you need to discover the absolute powerhouse that is Janice Freeman.  That being said, Janice was last to perform last night, well after my daughters bed time.  Right before Janice was about to come on, my daughter walks out of her room in tears, clutching her bunny she made with Nana, crying about how much she misses Nana.  Breaks my heart every time.  I kinda think it was Mum this time making sure she got to see the person she wanted.  I know its a stretch, but hey,I will cling onto anything I can , lol.

I am terrible at this. I really am . I need to be the one there for my kids when they are upset, especially when it is about Nana, and instead I am joining in the cry . Or crying everyday.  Like, when does this get better? When does the pain subside? I want to make my mom proud .  I feel like I was such a let down in her life.

I gotta find my way in this world and I don’t know how to take that first step.

I love writing this blog, It is such a release for me.  I think its time for a revamp, hopefully in the coming year, I can give it a fresh makeover.

Hope you will stay along for the swim.

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Don’t Hold Me Down

We all have insecurities. We all have doubts about our lives or ourselves at some point . And if you are gonna say you don’t , I am calling bull shit .

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I have to be real here , I’m sick . I have a disease according to my doctor we just don’t know which one . Is it deadly ? I doubt it , I think it would of gotten me by now . Is it common ? Yeah , gonna day nope on that . Do we know what it is ? Another Nope city .  I am very thankful that what I am dealing with isn’t as bad as it could be .  In the grand scheme of things , I am lucky . For the most part , I can still function . It varies from flare to flare , at the moment I can still do mostly everything.

Right now however , I’m in the middle of this big flare . The pain is excruciating.  I’m beyond exhausted . And my fingers hurt , really really bad . I need that to subside .  To say I am hot, is an understatement.  It feels like Hell itself is residing on my skin.  It has gotten as bad as randomly breaking out in sweats through out the days.  For example, its 60 degrees out and I am sitting with the Air conditioner on full blast.

What I am finding more and more as this progresses , is that I am having a more difficult time doing things.  Or things I normally look forward to, bring me severe anxiety.  Things require more planning and even with more planning, I still not be able to what I intend to.

I NEED TO FEEL BETTER!!!!

I keep telling myself I need to work through the pain I am in.  I am the one holding myself down, albeit unintentionally.  Which royally sucks.  Like, what do you do when you are literally causing yourself pain.  Its awful.

So, what do I do ? Here’s the plan:

My doctor is working on getting me approved for a different medication.  Hopefully this will be a key starting the car that is driving myself back to normalcy.

Its time for my appointment with the ENT to get a sleep study done.  Pretty sure I will be told I have sleep apnea, which losing weight ill help. But we will see what she says tomorrow.

I am doing my best to be positive like my mom.  Yesterday she was gone 2 months, it still seems like she just left us.  I still don’t know how to be.  When does it get better?  I know the answer, but I just wish that wasn’t it.

I am hopeful things will get better.

I can’t let me get…me.

Before I sign off, I just need to send my heartfelt love to the victims of all the recent tragedies that are befalling this world.   We witnessed the largest mass shooting in American history this week.  When will senseless violence end?

In the words of the great Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted ” Theodore ” Logan :

BILL AND TED

I think if we all were more EXCELLENT to each other, we would find this world a much better place.

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Armpits and Magoo

The latest in a series of unfortunate events regarding Meganitis is an ongoing severe armpit pain.  Yes, I said it , armpit pain.  Truth be told my armpits always hurt. Weird, I know.  But its just another thing I have gotten used to in my daily life.  However , this week, the armpit pain has been freaking awful.  Throbbing pain in my armpits, yup, this is what my life has come to.

So, normally, I would call my Mom and she would say something to make me feel better regarding my armpit issue. Usually something wacky and insane to make me laugh whether or not she realized she was being wacky and insane.

Thanks to Facebook’s “on this day” feature , a wonderful memory came back.  Maybe some of you are familiar with the cinematic genius that is Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol.  This film was a staple in our house growing up and my mother, my sisters and I would happily sing along.  Honestly, we reference this movie all the time.  Countless hours of laughs through my lifetime thanks to his movie.

So today , when I was feeling particularly low and upset about my illness, this memory popped up on Facebook.

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Of course I burst into tears.  But this is just another way Mum was fucking amazing ,  I mean she was just nothing short of incredible.  And I am so thankful that this beautful creature is my mom.

I hope you all are lucky enough to have someone in your life like my mother.  Someone who found the laughs in everything, someone to be goofy with , someone to love you unconditionally no matter what bad decisions you make.

I don’t know when if ever my heart will heal.  I kinda think It won’t.

Going to keep moving on and keep swimming.

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Faking It on a Wednesday

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I feel like Kurt is a good way to express myself. I am a huge Nirvana fan .

I feel like every day I am faking it.

Faking that I feel good.

Faking that I can handle this.

Faking that I am not brokenhearted.

I am trying to suck it up and deal with my daily pains.  I have moments where all i want to do is go to bed. I have moments where I feel fine. I have moments where I want to remove my legs and hang them on the wall. There is nothing I can do. Changing meds hasn’t helped . There is no cure for the fibro and if it is RA ( or a variant of it ) , there is no cure for that either.  Its just one of those things that people deal with I guess.

To be in pain on the outside hurts and sometimes it feels better. But to be hurting on the inside is a whole other ball game. I would take 1000 times the pain on the outside to alleviate this pain in my heart.

I have hurt before, for years I have been in a depression I guess in the clinical sense of the word. I Could not see the light. I feel like the light right now is hiding behind the shadows.  I know this is not how my mother would want me to feel .  I know she would say something crazy or something comforting or both. She had that way about her.

The reality is I miss my mother something fierce.  I miss hearing her voice , I miss her hugs, I miss just knowing she is here.  My mom was my person. My person I call when I am happy, when I am sad, when I have good news, when I have bad news , Mum was my person who could talk me off the ledge and make me feel better.

So, each year for the past 4-5 years I have been taking my son to the comicon in Rhode Island. Today they announced that Cary Elwes would be attending.  My most favorite movie of all time is The Princess Bride.  So, of course, who do I call to fangirl too?  I can hear her going ” oh how cool is that ?!” Not that my dad didn’t have pretty much the same reaction, but its not the same.

I am trying to figure out my way in this world and how to best honor my mother. I’m at a loss.

I need to get myself together, and get back on track. Just trying to figure myself out.

Gotta keep swimming

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Another Day Down and I’m Still Standing 

Happy Friday Everyone!

I’m well into my reboot of my fitness journey . And honestly, I am doing way better than I anticipated! I’m still standing !

I have accepted that I need to take it slow and I am in a good place about it . I did the Piyo the other night and then tonight I did 10 mins of cardio , then 15 minutes of Piyo . I know it’s only 25 minutes but something is better than nothing .

It’s strange to say I’m in this place now . But I guess being sick and limited to things will open your perspective.

In addition to my feeble workout attempts this week , I stopped drinking soda . I’ve been drinking carbonated water , it’s fizzy and gives the soda feel . Good alternative I think .

All in all I feel I really good about things so far .

Gonna keep an open mind and keep on swimming 🙂

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Baby Steps

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Good Evening Everyone !

It is with extreme happiness that I can tell you I finally did it = got my tookus back to the gym!

I got my new medication after my rhumetologist  stepped in  .  It arrived on Friday  and I started the injections that night.

I am still nauseaous, but it is not as much as it was before. I am hopeful that after a few weeks, it will decrease significantly .  The best part is that my doctor okay me getting back to the gym as long as I ” listen to my body “. So, I contacted my coach Jane at       Crossroads Strength and Conditioning to see if it would be okay if I came back with my issues.   And she said of course! Definitly knew that I was going to basically do everything modified but I had to get moving.  ANYTHING is better than nothing, right?!

So, started new meds.

Ready to go back to the gym.

And oh yeah, decided to jump on the Gluten Free train.  Let me explain : I had read multiple articles regarding Gluten and inflammation , so I figure, what the heck, I’ll give it a shot. So far I am on day 3.  Honestly, this is 2 days better than I thought I was going to do.  I’m not sure how long that I can keep it going, but if it helps, I am going to give it a whirl.

I got back into the gym and the warm up itself was already killing me , lol.  Onto the workout : here is my severly modified version .  No laughing out loud, 🙂

4 rounds

30 wall throws ( like the baby sister of the wall ball ) just tossed the ball at the wall

20 Step ups on the little box

10 DB snatches!!!! 15l bs —–> I LOVE SNATCHES! AND I COULD DO THESE NOT MODIFIED!!!

5 Push ups – these I did standing up leaning into the bar on the rack.  Truth be told, I totally could feel this in my arms and chest way more than any pushups I had done before.

I completed all 4 rounds – total victory ! And under 20 minutes!

This was complete baby steps.  And this will be for quite some time, I am sure.  This time around , I need to do the baby steps.  I used to get really frustrated when I thought of how far I had come or how much I could lift or do, but this time, I can’t be like that .  It’s wasted energy.  I am just going to roll with it and see how it goes.

Its been a productive week so far.  Hoping to get back in the gym tomorrow. Starting slow with 2 times a week.

Gotta Keep Swimming !!!!

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