Signs on a Saturday

Hi everyone. How’s the weekend treating you ?  I had a very busy Saturday . Which I am already paying for . My body is screaming today . And I slept pretty darn awful . But let’s focus on the positives of yesterday . 

I made what is becoming my weekly pilgrimage to see Mum . This week my daughter picked out a red heart balloon that says ” I Love You” and we picked out a bouquet of various colored roses .  It’s hard for me to go to the cemetery. I guess it’s the part where I leave her there . All alone . I feel like putting in a couch there for us to go sit and talk to her , lol. I think though I want to get her some of those solar lights so it’s not so dark for her . 

I’m trying to deal with my mothers death in a healthy way , but really , how fucked up is that ? A healthy way ? What does that even mean ? How is any of this healthy or right ? Healthy should of been what she was . And right is definitely , what this is not . 

I also trying to get my emotions under control because the more upset I am, the more prone to flares I am.  I seem to be in a flare state since my mother died and I am in a lot of pain , physically and emotionally. I am hopeful my recent change in meds will help with this, but so far no . 

So ,back to my day . We go see Mum , then head for a quick visit with my dad . Then we head to get our hair done . My desperate need for cut and color and my daughters back to school cut . We get there early so we  walk around hunting Pokémon . Lots of walking around . We get our hair done , head to pick up my oldest from work and head home . The hubs and I went out for the night to celebrate our 18 year anniversary. 

We get home late and I am so exhausted. I’m trying to get to sleep when my daughter comes in upset about Nana. She is crying and inconsolable.  She’s clutching her bunny Pinky which her and Nana made together at Build a Bear . Seeing her like this just breaks me . I’m trying to comfort her and myself at the same time . So I tell her about the Signs . Signs that Nana will show her that she is there and with her . I tell her a story about how a cardinal came in the yard the other night while I was talking with my dad . How I know it was Nana . I tell her how even though she can’t hear her say “Hi Maddie , I am here ” she will let her know that she is there with her . I give her a blanket of my mothers for her to sleep with and I head to her room to tuck her in . When I get to her room she holds up 2 Beanie Babies . 

Wouldn’t you know ? ONE WAS A CARDINAL ! I burst into tears again . I told her that Nana was letting you know she was here already! I don’t know who it comforted more , me or her . 

Even in death, Mum is still looking out for us and giving us what we need . Absolutely incredible. 

One of my most favorite movies is The Crow. We even named our dog , Draven , when I was a teenager after the main character, Eric Draven. Mum loved that dog .  This is one of my favorite quotes from that film :

” If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.”


Real love . Real love extends beyond a significant other . Real love extends beyond our children , our parents . Real love is love we have for those in our life we would do anything for . Regardless of blood . 

Signs are real . Weather or not it originates in your head , if it comforts you , it’s real . For now it’s what I will believe in . 

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Weekend Wrap Up

I had a pretty good weekend !  How about you ? 

I was up really early on Saturday , 4:30 am , had to be to work for 6 am .  Then it was a 10 hr day . Usually after working on Saturday  I need to take a nap . I was pretty exhausted when I got home but it was almost 5 so I just kinda relaxed . 

We had dinner then I decided I wanted to try and go for a walk . There is a rail trail about 10 mins from my house , so the hubs and I headed there .  

Lo and behold , I walked and survived. I survived all 2.4 miles !!! 

2.4 miles !!!!

I was dying at the end of the walk but I am so glad I did it . 

Then today , my daughter and I headed to my sisters house . First off was some Pokémon Go , my daughter and nephew had a blast . We walked around for a while, had some lunch , then headed back to the house for swimming . 

It was definitely not as warm as I would have liked but , I wanted to get some water aerobics (or my version of them ) in .


I was in the pool for about 45 minutes , running , walking , did high knees , jumping jacks and some actual swimming .  

Man , was I tired after that , honestly, still am .  But – again , I did it ! 

Not only did I get in exercise this weekend , I am down 8 lbs since I got back in the wagon ! 

Cheers to a great week everyone! 

Just Keep On Swimming

Happy 2016 Everyone,

I apologize to the blogosphere for the neglect here.  Its bad, I know, I’m sorry.

That being said, here is a little update from my world:

As most of you in my private life know, I have been sick, since, well, Halloween of 2014.  I talked about my various health issues back in Bumpy Ride.

Basically, I have been sick since Halloween 2014 and 7 doctors later, we still do not have an answer as to what my issue is.  I feel like we are headed in the right direction, but nothing concrete yet.

What we do know:

  • I have ” immune deficency “
  • I have enlarged lymph nodes and thyroid
  • The issues are not the lymph nodes or the thyroid, they are just reacting to what ever is happening
  • No Cancer!
  • No lyme disease, no lupus, no sarcoid, no mono, no rhumetoid arthritis , no Stills disease, no Castlemans disease
  • Medication is working!

 

That being said, I am ready to resume my life. I have been incredibly sore, like , my armpits hurt.  Freaking weird, right? I mean, honestly, they still are sore, but not nearly as bad. I am currently on a medication they give to rhumetoid arthritis patients. At least I am able to function.

Here’s the thing, In the scheme of things, is what I have going on as bad as cancer? Or some terminal disease? Or even something that has required hospitalization? Nope.  Even so, not feeling good day after day after day, gets wearing on you .  I didn’t want to do anything.  I didn’t want to move some days.  I needed to get my hair done, didn’t want to . Not because I was being dramatic thinking I had cancer, but just because I didn’t want to do anything and I was going to let those grays run rampant! I needed some new clothes, did not want to get anything, not because new clothes are always an added expense, but just because , I did not want to do anything. I wanted to crawl into a hole, close my eyes and make the pain go away.

This whole process has been an emotionally fueled bad dream.  It’s frustrating as hell knowing that my body has been telling me there is something wrong for a year and a half, yet the best doctors in the world cannot tell me what is wrong with me. I had to learn to accept the fact that this is a long process and I may not get an answer ever, certainly not soon.  And I did.

It’s funny, I say ” Just Keep Swimming ” all the time to people to boost them, to encourage them, and the one person that forgets , is me. HOW EMBARRASSING!

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Once I got the medication to help with the soreness, things started to get into place.

So, now I am managing the soreness.  I got my hair done, ( goodbye grays! ) got some new clothes and finally, yes finally, Sweet Baby Jesus, I am ready to get my lard ass into the gym.

The hubs has shown interest in coming to the gym with me, however, we both have different goals and want to do different things.  Like, I want to lift weights, CAUSE ITS AWESOME, and he has no desire, so say Planet Fitness would be good for him. It has what he is looking for,  Bikes and low impact. Planet Fitness has no  interest to me ,not saying its bad by any means, I just know what works for me and I need to do what is right for me.  Hopefully we can find a happy medium 🙂

One thing I have learned and have the most trouble forgetting, is that THIS Journey, is about me. And what I want and what makes me happy.

Gotta keep swimming! Hopefully I will be back into the gym in the beginning of March.

Always remember to keep swimming, no matter the journey. Sometimes we just need to be reminded.

How have things been going for you in these past few months? Would love to hear your stories!

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Bumpy Ride

 

Hello Everyone!!!! How the heck are ya?!

I know, I know, its been months.

Well, those months, they haven’t exactly been all to great for yours truly.

The past 3 months I have been dealing with more health issues.  More enlarged lymph nodes in my neck.  Three this time around.  Had surgery to remove one to be tested, came back benign for everything ( thank goodness! )  This time around I also had extreme fatigue, muscle soreness, weight loss, night sweats, chills, and a crazy rash.  I was tested for everything from lymphoma to lyme disease to sarcoid to mono.  I have no idea how many times I was at the doctors or the emergency room .  What royally sucked, was no one could help me.  The only thing that made me feel any better or allowed me to function was steroids.  After being sent to an infectious diseases doctor, the conclusion after all the testing is that I had some sort of crazy unknown virus .  Some crazy unknown virus that ruined my life for over 2 months.  I am happy to report that I am feeling so much better now!  Thank Goodness !

 

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While this was all going on , we had a fire in our apartment building.  Thankfully no one was hurt, and no ones things destroyed.  It was an electrical fire in the electrical room.  The issue was that the fire destroyed the electrical system and the electric company would not turn the power back on to the building until the management company brought the building up to code.  So nice to know that the ridiculous rent we were all paying went to upkeep and making sure things were up to code.  The fire happened on April 20, today is June 2, they have yet to start the work to bring the building up to code.  My neighbors and my family were sent to a local hotel until other arrangements could be made.  Those other arrangements were other apartments on site, some 3 bed, some 2 bed.  (Our building was all 3 bedrooms, all full of families). The biggest issue with this for us, was that our lease was up at the end of May, so we were low man on the totem pole when it came to comfortable accommodations.  They ran out of available apartments ( despite listing all of our apartments as available on line while we were all at the hotel ) so we were sent to a Residence Inn .  Basically until our lease was up we were between a Residence Inn and a LaQuinta Inn .  Keep in mind , I have 3 kids, who all needed to get to school .  And these hotels were not even in the same town that we live in . It was a 20-30  min drive to get the kids to school, each day .

For those keeping track:

Wicked sick

Fire

Hotel Life

3 kids

This is not a good combo.  Not too mention, the extra cost of all the eating out.  Thankfully, my renters insurance picked up most of the food cost and everything I lost out of my fridge.   The management company of my complex was horrible through out the whole ordeal.  The day it happened, all the residents could not go back home, so we were cooped up at the Club House, which is where the main office is, would of been nice if the Property Manager gave a shit and actually came and spoke to the residents, but nope.  One of neighbors went and grabbed donuts and coffee for everyone .

Don’t get me wrong, I am very grateful we had a roof over our head, but the process was atrocious.  The Management company had the audacity to try and tell me they were paying for my food…. I had to remind them, that no they were not, my insurance company was.  It was all bullshit.  Not to mention, we had to move out of our apartment with no power.  It was a giant suckfest.

February , March , April and May were just completely shitty. Snow – Sickness – Fire – UGH!!!

Good Riddance!!!

Time to get my life back and get back to me.  We are still getting settled in our new place but my plan is to get back at it at the gym next month.

I miss working out so very much.  I miss how I felt, I miss the sense of accomplishment.  I need to get back at it!!! I have so many goals and so many things I want to accomplish.
Hopefully I am leaving the Bumpy Road behind for Smooth Sailing ahead.

 

Just Keep Swimming!!!! It applies to everything.  Just  Keep Going. Never give up.  Keep up the fight, no matter what the fight is.

We all have a fight going on – be it within ourselves or with a part of our world or the world it self.  But we can do this.

Gotta remember kids – this is a journey.  Its not always the best one, or the fun one, but its the journey we are on .  Bumps, scrapes and joys.  Each one defining us and making us who we are and who we are meant to be.

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Thanks for sticking by me and I hope you enjoy the journey along side of me.

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It has not been a good week….

Honestly, that is an understatement.  It has been a horrible, shitty, terrible, emotionally draining week.

My mother was admitted to the hospital on Monday and has been there ever since.  She is very ill.  She has a slew of medical issues which make everything so much worse.  This time it was trouble breathing that sent her to the ER.  She is still on oxygen.  There is so much more, but to relive and go through all her issues, we would be here all night.  There is no greater fighter on this earth than my mother.  I thank God for her everyday and pray to God every night that I get just one more minute with her. She has a crazy positive outlook on life, finding the happiness within the darkest hours.  That is what gets us through.  I just want her to be better and to not be in pain.  I want her to be “normal” like she wants.  She deserves better than the hand she has been dealt, but she handles it with grace.

So, as of this week , I have not worked out.  I need to get back.  I feel my body expanding.  Every night this week I went to work and went straight from work to the hospital.  I could of gotten a walk in when I got home from all that, but I am so tired.  I way overstuffed my face this weekend, thinking , I will be at class next week and work it off. Ugh.

And this is what always happens to me. I get going, I am doing great, feeling good – then bam! My world is rocked. Something happens and I fall off the wagon, rather, have that terrible wagon wreck.  Just so happens this time my world is my Mom.

Now more than ever, I need to be healthy.  I need to be my best.  So this time – my world is not being rocked – more like a slight bobble.  I will be back at my classes next week, continue to eat better and succeed! I need to keep swimming, for my momma.  She is so proud of me and this journey and I can’t let her down.

How do you deal with the bumps in the road that come up?

This is the board in my Mom’s room with our goals for her 🙂

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Good night everyone! Hug your Momma’s tight!

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Down with the sickness

Ugh. I am sick, I HATE, no, I LOATHE being sick.  I felt it coming on Friday night, I could feel it in my throat, took some NyQuil and prayed.  To no avail, woke up worse Saturday. I still got my class in, but went home, showered and was in bed the rest of the weekend.  I am still all stuffed up.  I can’t stand it!

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I am so frustrated! I am not supposed to be sick!   I met with my coach  to go over my nutrition, I have  a new plan I need to stick to and I feel like crap, I don’t want to eat much, but I need to eat.  It always seems to happen like this…. I get going on something, then boom! something happens and I am tossed off the path.  I CANNOT FALL OFF THE WAGON! I know that this is just a tiny bump, but it just drives me nuts.  I am praying that the NyQuil will work tonight and I will wake up so much better tomorrow.

What do you do when you are sick and need to stay on track? How do you do it?  ARRGG!!!!

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