Signs on a Saturday

Hi everyone. How’s the weekend treating you ?  I had a very busy Saturday . Which I am already paying for . My body is screaming today . And I slept pretty darn awful . But let’s focus on the positives of yesterday . 

I made what is becoming my weekly pilgrimage to see Mum . This week my daughter picked out a red heart balloon that says ” I Love You” and we picked out a bouquet of various colored roses .  It’s hard for me to go to the cemetery. I guess it’s the part where I leave her there . All alone . I feel like putting in a couch there for us to go sit and talk to her , lol. I think though I want to get her some of those solar lights so it’s not so dark for her . 

I’m trying to deal with my mothers death in a healthy way , but really , how fucked up is that ? A healthy way ? What does that even mean ? How is any of this healthy or right ? Healthy should of been what she was . And right is definitely , what this is not . 

I also trying to get my emotions under control because the more upset I am, the more prone to flares I am.  I seem to be in a flare state since my mother died and I am in a lot of pain , physically and emotionally. I am hopeful my recent change in meds will help with this, but so far no . 

So ,back to my day . We go see Mum , then head for a quick visit with my dad . Then we head to get our hair done . My desperate need for cut and color and my daughters back to school cut . We get there early so we  walk around hunting Pokémon . Lots of walking around . We get our hair done , head to pick up my oldest from work and head home . The hubs and I went out for the night to celebrate our 18 year anniversary. 

We get home late and I am so exhausted. I’m trying to get to sleep when my daughter comes in upset about Nana. She is crying and inconsolable.  She’s clutching her bunny Pinky which her and Nana made together at Build a Bear . Seeing her like this just breaks me . I’m trying to comfort her and myself at the same time . So I tell her about the Signs . Signs that Nana will show her that she is there and with her . I tell her a story about how a cardinal came in the yard the other night while I was talking with my dad . How I know it was Nana . I tell her how even though she can’t hear her say “Hi Maddie , I am here ” she will let her know that she is there with her . I give her a blanket of my mothers for her to sleep with and I head to her room to tuck her in . When I get to her room she holds up 2 Beanie Babies . 

Wouldn’t you know ? ONE WAS A CARDINAL ! I burst into tears again . I told her that Nana was letting you know she was here already! I don’t know who it comforted more , me or her . 

Even in death, Mum is still looking out for us and giving us what we need . Absolutely incredible. 

One of my most favorite movies is The Crow. We even named our dog , Draven , when I was a teenager after the main character, Eric Draven. Mum loved that dog .  This is one of my favorite quotes from that film :

” If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.”


Real love . Real love extends beyond a significant other . Real love extends beyond our children , our parents . Real love is love we have for those in our life we would do anything for . Regardless of blood . 

Signs are real . Weather or not it originates in your head , if it comforts you , it’s real . For now it’s what I will believe in . 

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Progess – it’s a good thing!

So, this week my challenge was the 5 classes I signed up for.  Didn’t work out so well…. Got out of work late on Thursday and have so much going on tomorrow, that I just canceled the class.  But still got in 3 classes this week, as well as my 3.7 mile walk on Sunday.  I am happy with that.

This week we did a lot of barbell work.

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I know, not barbells, but I think they are funny 🙂

Monday we did Push jerks, I did 45 lbs, then we had overhead barbell lunges- my lunges have gotten so much better, but I still struggle, so I just used the training bar 15lbs, then ring rows and mountain climbers.  I kept struggling with the lunges, and my coach Jane gave me a pep talk, and I could do them, I just needed confidence.

See, that is one of the things I freakin love about my gym.  The coaches are amazing people.  They lift you up and help you do better. Give you goals to strive for and find the positive through your frustration.  I have nothing else to compare them to, but I am forever in debt to them for helping me on this journey.  I can only hope I do them proud in my months to come.  I hope all of you reading along have got a great support system, it really makes a difference, in all aspects.  I know I have said this before, but my family is awesome.  My kids know I am trying to get healthy and they support me and are positive about it. My son Jason even came with me on my 3.7 mile walk.  Cheering me on. To hear they are proud of me is something that makes me feel like Super Woman.   He even mentioned ” Just Keep Swimming” and how its my motto to keep going,  How great is that? I am blessed.

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Jason and I on our walk

 

Okay, back to the workouts : Wednesday we did Barbell Clean practice, then back squats – I had 55 lbs, and Hand Stand Push ups , not on the wall yet, but on a box, better than the ground I guess. The fact that I could do the back squats was crazy, let alone the 100 we had to do.  Then tonight we practiced our rope climbs, or my Tarzan Swing.  So, I have never been able to get myself on the rope.  Tonight I was able to geet myself on the rope off the ground, just enough to swing, lol, add the grass skirt and I was Tarzan! At least I got off the ground , and if its progress I will take it! Then we did deadlifts – 115 lbs.  We also had to do ring dips – I tried to do them, I was able to get one leg on the band, but I can’t lift myself up to do the dip.  I can swing, but can’t get myself up enough to do the darn dip.  That aggravates me to no end.  I thought by now I would be able to do these. UGH!!!! So I had to resort to bench dips.  Then it was 50 double unders, which is something else I can’t do, so it was 150 regular jumps – all this for 4 rounds.  Surprisingly, I had a much easier time jump roping than I remember.  I was able to jump 60 times without having to stop – usually I get to about 25-30 if I am lucky.  I consider this progress. I also finished first tonight – which is crazy to me.  Probably cause I was the only one doing the bench dips, but, it is a rare occasion  that I finish first, so I will take it!!

In other news, I have mentioned before my wonderful luck in my hand me downs . One of my items is a XL shirt from Old Navy.  I wore it yesterday. The shirt fit! Holy Crap! A normal , not plus size, no W in the size shirt actually fit me !!!!! Its the little moments and little victories that mean the most.  The subtle differences that go the long way.

As you can tell, I talk alot about this journey, this process.   I tell people straight up how I have lost 28 pounds and how I am still losing and getting healthy.  It’s no bullshit.  I am the living embodiment of hard work and doing this the right way.  There are no pills, no fad diets,  no wraps, it is blood, sweat and tears.  It’s dedication and hard work.  Dedication to myself.  How many of us really have that? Or if we do, how long did it take us to find ourselves?  This is a lifestyle.  If you are serious about losing weight and getting fit, you need to be dedicated and you need to be ready.  All those years of bitching I was fat, yes, I acknowleged it , but I wasn’t ready to make the move.  I may of said I was, but my actions said otherwise.  There are no excuses.  If you want to do – then you will do it.  And my dear friends, I am doing it. And I am loving it! Find your passion, find your drive and don’t let go!  Just Keep Swimming !!!!!

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Who has got your back?

Today it has been 4 months since is started working out.  I am down a total of 17.9 pounds . I am down 2 sizes.  Hooray for me! But I did not do this alone – and there is a long way to go, there are some great people that have my back.

 

To me, family is everything.  My family has been there for me through thick and thin. Never faltering in their support of me, even when it was most difficult.

My parents are the most loving caring people on the planet.  Everyday I thank God for them. They have always supported me, even when I came home at 17 pregnant.  Granted, the image of my father falling to his knees sobbing is forever burned into my brain….but he quickly came around.

Whenever I share my stories of my workouts with my dad, he smiles and gives me a big hug.  Diabetes runs in my family, my uncle had it (he passed in 1990), my sister has it and my father was diagnosed shortly after my sister was. Since my weight went up, my father had always brought up trying to lose weight so I would not become diabetic.  Did it bother me? Sure, but my dad is a pretty smart guy, and deep down, I knew he was right.  His fears and mine came true when I got pregnant with my daughter in 2007 , I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes, furthermore as the pregnancy progressed, an insulin dependent Gestational Diabetic.   That was horrible for me, especially since the beginning of that pregnancy was so easy, it went downhill fast.  My daughter was born with her blood sugar out of whack and had to be in the NICU for about 24 hours to get it regulated.  It was horrible not being able to hold her in my room.  I had a C Section, so it was very difficult to move about.  But the only way I could see her was to go to the NICU, so I had to get up and go down.  In the end, my diabetes disappeared once she was born, and thank goodness my daughter has no signs of it.  What I am getting at it is, my dad was right.  And maybe if I had gotten off my ass years ago, I wouldn’t of had to go through that.  So, my dad, is very supportive of this journey.  My mom,  well, she is just plain amazing and supportive of what ever I do. My mother has an amazing way of putting herself aside for others.  She has been through the ringer medically, for starters, 2 kidney transplants and a heart valve replacement.  She is a crazy goofball, and she never falters from finding a joke amid the tragedy.  I suppose that is where I get it.  My mother has always been my biggest fan and I know there is no way I can possibly thank her for how she has shaped me and all she has done for me.  She has been through a real rough patch lately, but I am hopeful that recent diagnosis will help alleviate it.  She is sounding more like herself when we talk and that makes me happy.

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And did I mention that my parents are still married, I know a rarity these days, but they have 37 years under their belt.  My dad still adores my mom and will always do whatever is necesscary for her.  They are too cute.  I hope that my kids will view me as wonderfully as I view my parents.

I am blessed that I am close to my sisters. I am the oldest of 3 girls.  I talk to my sisters just about everyday or every other day.  We have have fiercely different personalities, but they were my first best friends.  We do things together and our kids play together.  Since I started so young, my sisters were right there through my oldest’s childhood, helping us out and helping with him.  They are so close to my kids.  And I am the most proudest auntie to my neice and nephew.  It is sad to me that people do not have close relationships with their families, I am blessed that I have them.  And not only my sisters, but my brother in laws as well.

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My husband and my kids have been fabulous through this journey.  I have awesome kids, I am not gonna lie, they are pretty darn great.  I tell them about my workouts and show them things we do.   Its cool to see their faces thinking their mom did some of this stuff.   I even came home one night to find my youngest son doing sit ups.  My kids will even offer to go walking with me on my off workout days.  My husband has been amazingly supportive through the whole process, never bringing up all the weight I had gained.  But he would also tell me when I start to bitch ” to do something about it”  He has been great helping at night when I have my class with the kids and I know I do not thank him enough for that.

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And I didn’t even get to mention my aunts, cousins, grandparents and friends who are also so supportive of me.  I am so thankful to have all of them in my life.

And my coaches – I cannot say enough about my coaches.  I workout at a place where you are not a number, you are a person and they let you know everyday that they are there to help you on your journey.  The only thing that stinks, is that I did not meet them sooner.  What they have done for me is LIFE CHANGING! and it has only been 4 months!

Thank you to everyone who is in my life.  I love you all.  Thank you for your support of my journey.  I have only just begun and I cannot wait to see where I go.  I hope I make you all proud.  Let’s Keep up the swim everyone!

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