I know its been another 2 months since my last post. When I started this blog it was to share my chubby girl in the gym stories, feelings, struggles and what nots. That was in 2013. And honestly since the end of 2014, my health has been an issue that keeps popping up, rearing its ugly head. Current status : head being reared loudly.
I love to write, I love to get out my feelings, I can’t hold shit in and I can’t act as if nothing is bothering me. I just can’t , I’ve tried, believe me, and in the end, I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s just who I am.
So, I am going to be here more often, and maybe not necessarily about fitness as my body allows, but maybe just about life and the way things are , are going, and how I am feeling.
I hope you will continue to join me.
So, where am I at today ?
I have come from enlarged lymph nodes, to removed lymph nodes, to no cancerous lymph nodes, to abnormal lymph nodes, to abnormal blood work, to lit up thyroid, to prehashimotos, to lowest IG-2 the immunologist has ever seen in someone who is not on chemo, to whole body soreness, to even more blood work, to still no answers. All we have concluded is I have immune deficiency.
Fast forward to this year, the whole body soreness is gone other than my knees. I started taking my Plexus .
To say that Plexus helped my soreness would be an understatement. I virtually erased it after 2 weeks. I am so beyond grateful for discovering it.
Now, once my whole body was not sore, my knees felt left out and decided they would start acting up. At first it was my left knee, then slowly the right, now its both. Feels like bubbles on my knees. Like in the Incredibles, when Mr. Incredible sets off the tracker and he is hit by all those black blobs, yeah, so it feels like that , I would imagine.
Yeah so that is what my knees feel like. Sucks, cause everything else, was good!
Ugh Freaking City.
I went to my doctor because my legs were getting swollen too, and I had gained some weight, so I thought I was retaining water. They put me on Lasic. Yeah, did not do crap other than make me pee like crazy. So it was not water in my knees.
Went back to the doctor. Now, obviously I am extremely overweight and my thought was this is because of that. Doctor gave me referral to an Orthopedic dr and also gave me a prescription for something to help me jump start my weight loss while I really could not exercise , or even go for a walk. Stairs are the enemy.
That stuff was Amazing. But it was only for 15 days. Deal was, I got to orthopedic, then go back to dr after that to discuss what was planned and further discussion on the weight loss pill. Thing was that my appt was for July 5th, in my line of work, taking off the day after a holiday or even taking time off on the day after a holiday is just not feasible. It honestly causes more problems than its worth. So I tried to reschedule. I was on vacation in the middle of July, of course they could not get me in. Leaving me with an appointment this past Friday .
I went into this prepared to recount my past almost 2 years of issues just incase it was important, but honestly had prepared myself that I am a Fatty McButter and this is the latest in my self destructive path I seem to be stuck on.
They did my vitals, they took my X Rays, they listened to my story about my quest for answers for my unnamed disorder/disease/ what ever.
Doctor comes in and we go over my issue. Looks at my X Ray and drops the bomb that , my knees are fine. Perfect. In fact the knees of a 20 year old.
Pump the damn brakes. WTF?
My knees are perfect. Perfect spacing, perfect knee caps, freaking perfect. No sign of any distress due to weight or anything else. At this point I just start tearing up. Cause I was expecting this to be – you are a fatty, lose weight and your knees will be better. You will be able to walk and feel human again .
Instead I am told my puffy legs and knee pain are most likely due to inflammation from an ” unnamed disease ” that I most likely have .
He then goes on to list all the things I should be tested for.
Lyme Disease – Been there done that and all its variations
Lupus – yup
Rheumatoid Arthritis – yup
Sarcoid – yup
Among other ones, it was like I was sitting there and someone had recorded all the other doctors I have been to and this guy was pressing play. I was devastated. I know I have no technical diagnosis, I know that I am just trying to get by in life with some relief and I need to be conscious of my condition/disorder . I think from now on, it will be know as Meganitis, at least that is what the girls in my office call it. I think it works. But how weird is it that , this guy would come out with the same thing? How is it that they all have this same damn answer but no one can fix me? Talk about damaging.
So, as I sit there in tears, cause I just can’t with this shit anymore, he tells me I should see a Rhumetologist. Told him I have one already . Told him the meds he put me on for my soreness when I flipped out on them because I was beyond miserable, turns out it is just a glorified advil, which explains why I did not get much relief from it .
I am sitting there, utterly defeated and I said some folks told me a Cortisone shot might help me. He said we can try that for sure, it probably won’t work, but if it does, you come back every three months and we can do it. I jumped on it. He did them in both knees. And confirmed there is no fluid in my knees . He told me it would take 24 -48 hrs to kick in. That was Friday, it is definitely helping, the extent I guess I will know tomorrow. I am certainly walking better. I am still calling the Rhumetolgoist on Monday , who will prob send me back to Immunologist so I can see what is up with all my crap.
I am hoping I can get to a point where I can get back into the gym.
GOOD LORD I MISS IT SO MUCH!!!!!
I am going to get self loathing here, but just let me rant.
I hate my body, I hate the way I look. When I am able to work out, I know I still look the same, but I feel better cause I know I am working on it. Not being able to even go for a walk is really just a killer. I had 2 weddings in July. I spent money I had no business spending on getting my hair , makeup and new dresses. All in an attempt to feel pretty. And I did, for the first time in so long I really felt beautiful . I got so many compliments, even from chicks in the bathroom, lol, not from my husband, but that is no surprise. When she was doing my makeup, I could not stop looking in the mirror. I just could not believe that was me. I wish Naomi could follow me everywhere, lol. Must be what a Kardashian feels like.
Here are a couple pics :
I took a lot of selfies, I will admit it
Me and my baby girl
Typical full body bathroom selfie – Dress :Amelia, Lularoe – Love love love
Me and my gorgeous sister Caitlyn
Me, my Dad, Caitlyn
On both of these days, I felt like a million bucks. I would really love to feel good all the time. I just need to get there. Hopefully I am on my way .
In other news, my kids are all growing up. It is hitting me like a ton of bricks lately . My oldest, Tyler is going to be a senior this year and has decided he wants to go into the Army. He has taken the Asvab and is working out so he can be in top condition for his physical . On one hand, I cannot tell you how absolutely proud of him I am . This is such an adult decision and he is working on things he needs to, to get there. On the other hand I am beside myself because my baby will be gone probably at this time next year. I see his face everyday. I know this is a part of growing up and getting older and this is the process of life. I don’t see my parents every day. I’m okay. But Ty, is my baby. All my kids are my babies. No matter how old , no matter anything. I know I have a year to process the gravity of this and I call I can do is pray that I created a good human who makes good decisions. I think so far, we have done a damn fine job.
All in all, I have been in a really bad place lately , I guess the good part is, I realize it. As opposed to before in my life where it would just swallow me whole.
Thanks for letting me rant. Hopefully I will have a better report tomorrow on the shots!